Wii U, I look just like Buddy Holly
Countless studies have been made regarding the adverse effect of video game addiction. In an age of increased connectivity and acceptable sedentariness, this is an important line of inquiry. It is no secret that people have felt its effects. And yes, there are effects. There are effects all over town. But not all games are created equal. Scientists with credentials that are real have found that certain video games affect people in certain ways. As men and women of science who can afford to waste time and effort, I urge you to read on. Who knows? You might realize something about yourself. It’s all right. You’re in a safe place. No need to be scared anymore. As actual psychologists have affirmed, recognition is the first step towards recovery.
God of War: Channeling violent tendencies into arts and crafts curbs fits of megalomania; macramé harpies and popsicle pantheons are summarily destroyed; ribbons and certificates of participation are rejected—whores requested instead.
Super Mario: Compulsive sighing is observed when sighting mustaches; Unnatural hatred of terrapins and champignon mushrooms.
Halo: Putting yellow visors onto glasses of halo-halo and tearfully laughing at lack of sense of humor.
Killzone: Deconstructing good and evil dynamics in every encountered video game; having no one to believe that Mario is really a genocidal anarchist, seriously, all of the evidence is there.
The Walking Dead: Irrational fear of making the most basic of decisions; tendency to deeply frown while looking back and forth at presented choices.
Planescape: Torment: Purposefully playing games with terrible gameplay in hopes of experiencing intellectually satisfying prose; somehow forget that books exist.
Tomb Raider: Due to lack of hexagonal breasts defying expectations, accidentally eroticizing physical injury; open wounds become erogenous zones; everything about this is awful for everyone.
Heavy Rain: Disenchantment with reality due to shortage of polygons; propensity to make vapid faces in front of tragic father figures; repeated obsession with polygons; polygons.
Call of Duty: Waiting seven months in a panic room stocked with Doritos, Mountain Dew, and the comforting warmth of supportive fratmen; writing sexually-frustrated but deeply moving lyric poetry about online experiences.
Demon’s Souls: Oscillation between child-like vulnerability and manic rage; inexplicable ability to find shortcuts and sexual partners; chosen sexual partners appear to be bodybags filled with teeth.
Deus Ex: Gruff, dismissive behavior when receiving any sort of gift; attempts to “hack” into a computer system by playing Reversi.
Dragon Age: insufferable personality disguised as playful, non-threatening banter; attraction to catchphrases; overestimated keenness of wit and self-aware deprecation, kind of like this one, I guess.
The Elder Scrolls: Snickering whenever the words “arrow” and “knee” are heard, no matter how long the time between instances; compulsion to pull basket-related pranks.
Kingdom Hearts: Despondency due to dwindling cosplay choices; putting gel in babies’ hair.
Dishonored: Defiance of authority manifested as throwing rats at low-level politicians, vice principals, and security guards.
Arkham Asylum: Whilst standing at the edge of rooftops, seriously entertaining thoughts of gliding down and kicking the backs of brawny bald men.
Half Life: Post-traumatic stress disorder triggered by exposure to the number 3; frequent nightmares detailing illicit sexual relations with Gabe Newell.
Animal Crossing: Switching music tracks every hour, on the hour; finding domestic and woodland animals irresistibly adorable; gravitating towards incredibly sad but uplifting life stories.
Pokemon: Impulsively attending cockfights and misunderstanding natural selection yet again; frequent endorsement of shorts as clothing options.
The Legend of Zelda: Critiquing every encountered online fanfic that gives Link speaking lines; insomnia due to repeatedly hearing disembodied voices; hey, listen; hey, listen; hey, listen.
Sonic the Hedgehog: Drawing and projecting onto anthropomorphic animal avatars; swimming in white tees and tugging at the shirt to make unsettling “sscchlooorp” sounds.
Final Fantasy: Realizations of reaching mid-30s and fondly regarding children whilst fighting against every compunction to live vicarious lives through them; faltering in regular polishing of owned greatswords.
Mass Effect: Stunted sense of entitlement over other people’s intellectual property; possession of reasonable critique but expression is limited to incendiary tumblr vignettes.
Metal Gear: Attempting to reconcile Illuminati beliefs with own homebrewed conspiracy theory; thinks the government is out to get us all and is also made up of vampires.
Monster Hunter: Entertaining fantasies of poaching; owning a suspiciously damp and sticky dragon figurine.
Grand Theft Auto: Propensity towards selfless acts of kindness, like charity, social work, and heroism; warmly embracing prostitutes and similar workers and whispering, “I can’t even begin to know your struggle,” into their ears.
Tekken: Rhythmically tapping button combinations onto any nearby surface; rubbing moisturizer over hand calluses whilst looking over to a group of virile, young athletes and mysteriously feeling a kinship with them.
Cave Story: A refusal to help the elderly and an obsession with checking dangerous areas for unexplained reasons; when asked, the reply is a grave and defeated, “So everyone will LIVE.”
FTL: Creating technically excellent works of art and engineering only to set them on fire.
Phoenix Wright: Gross misapprehension of criminal law; impeccable hairstyling and fashion sense.
Resident Evil: Irritatingly comments on any zombie movie as “just like Resident Evil.”
Marvel VS Capcom: Waging comment wars on Youtube about superhero histories despite knowing next to nothing about them.
Persona: Manipulating close friends to reveal deep, personal details.
Portal: Feeling an overwhelming righteous anger whenever cake is mentioned; GOD, we GET it, okay?
Gears of War: Exaggerated attraction to soul patches and camaraderie; gender identities get frequently challenged by unnecessary rough-housing; likely to own black-and-white headshots.
StarCraft: Aversion to multitasking; instead accomplishes tasks and activities really quickly; any attempts to quit smoking and Starcraft at the same time ends disastrously.
Need for Speed: Customizing a Daewoo by spray painting Japanese characters on the hood and gluing glowsticks on the undercarriage; “Nitro boosts” are achieved by driving 60 mph and making raspberry zoom noises.
Mortal Kombat: Always replacing hard C’s with K.
Assassin’s Creed: Writing tearful breakup letters to personified game franchises and crying very messily.
DotA: Playing DotA.